20th December 2012

So.. the end of the world tomorrow ? 

guess what ? It's my first day at work.. 

thinking back how this semester ended so quickly, i just thought it's one of the most memorable times i would have in my life.. 

suddenly everybody becomes so attached, relying on each other so much, but then it ended so quickly.. 

throughout the semester, i tried to help those who are weak, not to say that i am the best but i feel i have a responsibility as a older foreign big brother, to help them and guide them.. 

some people may think that they are not capable, but everyone has their own potential.. just that some people are late to realize them.. 

i dislike people who judge them based on their past.. i always believe people would improve.. thinking back at my past, i was nothing, i improved and grew up but still learning mistakes despite my confidence that i can handle most of the things.. 

so, i would not give up on those who are weak, i just want to put faith in them, believe in them, to give them the confidence they need, the courage and the willingness to change themselves, to be a better person, that's all i wish.. i just want to have a little influence on their life.. 

so that they don't feel that they have been given up.. 

i don't wished for anything in return

i just want to be a friend where they can rely on

but then, if they would remember and cherish my efforts, that would be nice ;)

sometimes,

i might say that i dont want or i dont like

example,

birthdays

i said i dont like cakes, i said i dont like celebrations

but then every time the surprises came

i would be so happy

but then

the thought of all these would make me cry in front of so many people

so

NOPE!

i am Tan Eean

and i dont cry in front of people

yeah

so if people would really appreciate my help and efforts

it just makes me happy and gives me the motivation to do better and more

today

everyone was leaving, i was sending them one by one.. seeing tears on their faces.. i may not be the reason why their tears dropped.. but i was happy for them, because they had a reason, sad or happy, they can express their emotions, and i was happy to see that they would hug each other so tightly because it just proved that there was something worth to be remembered about this semester..

of course, i wasn't crying

yet

although i didnt believe that the world would end, i just wanted to call my parents.

when i called, my parents and my sister were at a local pub..

knowing that they were together kinds of suddenly rushed tears through my eyes

i was suppose to be there with them

spending time together

instead, i'm here, alone shifting houses, carrying heavy luggage,

changing trains

to get to the other side of the country and prepare for work

my father repeatedly asking me if i was ok

i guess he was worried by my sad tone

i just want to be his big boy

the boy he can be proud of

the boy that he hoped for

the boy who can be independent

tears were already flowing down my cheek

i couldn't stop them anymore

why am i living this life ?

i chose this, but i am not really sure if i am really prepared for it

but then, ready or not, it's here

and so, i told him i'm ok

he said

no matter whatever goes wrong, he and mum will always be there for me

that's all i need to know

and so

i will be your big boy

i will be tough

i will go through these obstacles and look forward to May

when we see each other again

facing the reality is what most people wish not to

all i can do now, is to make the most out of it

i can't change the situation but i can change my attitude

so i just want to promise myself this

every time i go home

i shall be a little bit better than who i was

in terms of behavior

maturity

responsible

and whatever it takes to be a man

back home, there is still one girl waiting for me

she's always there for me

giving me moral support

and always when i feel i need strength

i know she is all i need

sometimes i maybe playful with girls

but in the end, i know my limits,

the urge to resist is all because in my heart she has this very special place

so,i want to be a man

for my family

and 

for her

I guess i found my purpose in life