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如果有得選，誰要這個病？

請你們不要用那種眼神看我可以嗎？

可以的話，我也不想要這個病

雖然說我不介意
但是無論怎麼樣，都會看見它
總會覺得為什麼會是我？
難道就是我做錯了什麼，就要這樣讓我一輩子

如果介意的話乾脆朋友就不做好了

那樣就不用影響到你們

20th December 2012

So.. the end of the world tomorrow ? 

guess what ? It's my first day at work.. 

thinking back how this semester ended so quickly, i just thought it's one of the most memorable times i would have in my life.. 

suddenly everybody becomes so attached, relying on each other so much, but then it ended so quickly.. 

throughout the semester, i tried to help those who are weak, not to say that i am the best but i feel i have a responsibility as a older foreign big brother, to help them and guide them.. 

some people may think that they are not capable, but everyone has their own potential.. just that some people are late to realize them.. 

i dislike people who judge them based on their past.. i always believe people would improve.. thinking back at my past, i was nothing, i improved and grew up but still learning mistakes despite my confidence that i can handle most of the things.. 

so, i would not give up on those who are weak, i just want to put faith in them, believe in them, to give them the confidence they need, the courage and the willingness to change themselves, to be a better person, that's all i wish.. i just want to have a little influence on their life.. 

so that they don't feel that they have been given up.. 

i don't wished for anything in return

i just want to be a friend where they can rely on

but then, if they would remember and cherish my efforts, that would be nice ;)

sometimes,

i might say that i dont want or i dont like

example,

birthdays

i said i dont like cakes, i said i dont like celebrations

but then every time the surprises came

i would be so happy

but then

the thought of all these would make me cry in front of so many people

so

NOPE!

i am Tan Eean

and i dont cry in front of people

yeah

so if people would really appreciate my help and efforts

it just makes me happy and gives me the motivation to do better and more

today

everyone was leaving, i was sending them one by one.. seeing tears on their faces.. i may not be the reason why their tears dropped.. but i was happy for them, because they had a reason, sad or happy, they can express their emotions, and i was happy to see that they would hug each other so tightly because it just proved that there was something worth to be remembered about this semester..

of course, i wasn't crying

yet

although i didnt believe that the world would end, i just wanted to call my parents.

when i called, my parents and my sister were at a local pub..

knowing that they were together kinds of suddenly rushed tears through my eyes

i was suppose to be there with them

spending time together

instead, i'm here, alone shifting houses, carrying heavy luggage,

changing trains

to get to the other side of the country and prepare for work

my father repeatedly asking me if i was ok

i guess he was worried by my sad tone

i just want to be his big boy

the boy he can be proud of

the boy that he hoped for

the boy who can be independent

tears were already flowing down my cheek

i couldn't stop them anymore

why am i living this life ?

i chose this, but i am not really sure if i am really prepared for it

but then, ready or not, it's here

and so, i told him i'm ok

he said

no matter whatever goes wrong, he and mum will always be there for me

that's all i need to know

and so

i will be your big boy

i will be tough

i will go through these obstacles and look forward to May

when we see each other again

facing the reality is what most people wish not to

all i can do now, is to make the most out of it

i can't change the situation but i can change my attitude

so i just want to promise myself this

every time i go home

i shall be a little bit better than who i was

in terms of behavior

maturity

responsible

and whatever it takes to be a man

back home, there is still one girl waiting for me

she's always there for me

giving me moral support

and always when i feel i need strength

i know she is all i need

sometimes i maybe playful with girls

but in the end, i know my limits,

the urge to resist is all because in my heart she has this very special place

so,i want to be a man

for my family

and 

for her

I guess i found my purpose in life

Presentation

Today we had a very very brief group presentation. 

At first every group just went out there and say whatever they were going to say

When it was my turn, I walked up there

Then at some point when I was presenting, I felt that I was over-confident

being too cocky

not sure if that's a good thing -.- 

well, alot ppl tell me i have a big ego

i guess that's kinda true

but then it's also interesting to see other people's behaviour when they are confronted with questions and obstacles

it really showed some true identity when someone is really trying to defend what they believe or think

some people cannot take criticism, some people are just stubborn with their views

some people cannot accept what certain people thinks

and then there's me

people actually praised what we did

actually i didnt even do anything

i was just the one who presented the work

the work was done was done by someone else

yet i feel so proud standing there

haha

showed my true self ? 

perhaps.. the bad side of me.. 

the over-confident Eean

RIP ah ma

to my dearest grandma

You took care of the family
Granpa, 4 sons, 5 daughters, 4 granddaughters, 10 grandsons
also Jojo, our little dog with 2 cats

Everytime I am back in JB, we have good food, lunch, dinner, breakfast,
everything ready on the table

You wash clothes, sun the clothes, iron the clothes
always taking care of the house and everybody living in it

i'm sorry that I am not there for the past few years, only be able to see you twice
I seldom call back and ask how are things at home

I will remember your last words

宇恩，还好吗？
新年有回来吗？
要好好照顾身体


阿嫲，谢谢你
安息吧

Damn those feelings

Don't know why, last time, always want to be in the room, play my games, watch my football

Then people come kacau me

 exam come kacau me

assignment come kacau me.. 

Then now leh, no exam

 no assignment

then in the room dont know wanna do what.. kns..

Today everybody already left school, go traveling.. then I still got one more interview before I go travel.. 

Walao.. no mood d macam ni.. tomorrow wanna take total 7 hour journey just to go for interview.. 

No tickets refund, some more need to wear suit go up the mountain.. 

really sweat.. then after interview come back eat alone some more dinner.. 

walao really sien dao..

Anyway, lately dont know why siao liao..
worry this worry that..
what i worry most is my gf who's going to japan for around 1 month student exchange
some more she go alone, no friend, no teacher
and also dont know she got enough money or not..

with all these feeling i also dont know how to go enjoy my turkey trip..

if you dont know, yes, i am going to turkey

why ?

because places i wanna go no one go with me,
places ppl going i already went there before,
now all also upside down

sien

Looking forward

Based on my previous post which was written quite a long time ago, i found that looking back was only dreams that flew past me where i didnt actually taken my chances enough.

Recently, I've started to think about the future a little bit. Finally I'm doing it where i should have done all the time actually. I've been neglecting them always thinking that I am still during my education years and not deciding to take things seriously. I don't know what've gotten into me where I have this sudden urge to move forward. Guess it's the growing up part.

Right now, in higher diploma, thinking that i'm going to graduate in 2014 makes me a bit scared actually. Scared of the future. Because I don't know where I will be when all i want to be is at home near to my sweetheart, friends and family. Somehow, all this uncertainty gives me goosebumps!!

But then, I guess all i can do now is to concentrate at what i'm doing and not just by doing it but doing it great. Being good at what you do is the least to ask for after my parents spent so much money on me giving me this HUGE HUGE HUGE opportunity to be where I am right now. So I'm looking forward to my exams and also securing an internship in a hotel in Switzerland. And hopefully in June, I can end up in either Australia, Maldives or Thailand. The reasons why I chose Australia and Thailand because not only they have very nice hotels over there, it is also nearer to home. Maldives is a very special where I thought if I couldnt afford to spend my holidays there, perhaps working there can be a good idea! Also if I work there, I can as well spend some holiday time there with my sweetie coming over and chill before finally going back to school and start my degree.

So right now securing a placement in a hotel in Switzerland is my top priority. Doesn't matter where I'll be in 5 years time, but then right now, I'm just going to get myself ready for the future.

Lots of work to do peeps and I hope everyone finds their inspiration and work towards a goal, because without a goal, I guess there's no path to walk and you'll only be standing right there.